Who Created THIS Universe?

It’s with great pleasure that I present the work of my brother, Scott Steelman.
I never knew about his theories until this past year when he began to reveal his work into the worlds of multiverse, including parallel universes, at the Institute of Multiverse Research. He has recently made many startling discoveries that will greatly illuminate our understanding of this expanding field. But more about that in an upcoming blog. For now, let’s simply start with a quote from the noted MIT Professor of Physics, Max Tegmark:

“Parallel universes are not just a staple of science fiction. Other universes are a direct implication of cosmological observations.”

Although most Secular Humanists are skeptical about the claims made regarding the supposed “creator” of the universe, these discoveries will convince many.

Yours Truly,
Ron Steelman
___________________________________________________________________

Who Created THIS Universe?
© 2012 – Scott Steelman

Most religions have a Creation Myth that explains the origin of the world. The TRUE STORY of creation has now revealed itself. It is clear and concise, yet many followers remain confused. Lo, they are the Confusionists.

This is the definitive explanation of reality in this world. If you dare to look further you will “see the light”.

Can you handle the TRUTH?  (We report, You decide.)

Annotated Excerpt from The Book of Lunch,
the most sacred text of Confusionism

First there was light…and it was bright.
Swirling energy crystals reflected the light
and projected a glowing image of Perplexus, the Lord of Lunch

There was a blinding flash and Perplexus awoke.
A Sacred Voice proclaimed: “It’s ALIVE! – and it’s hungry!”

Perplexus – the Great One was half-man and half-woman
(constantly bickering with itself, and arguing about where to set the thermostat)

He/She pondered using His/Her powers to create a
Magnificent-Majestic-Wonder-World to hang around in.
“Let creation begin!” He/She said.

The Great One ( or two) then made the NIGHT…and it was dark!

“Now let procreation begin”.
His/Her loins burned to have safe sex in the holy darkness.
It came to pass…..and was called the Big Bang.

The resultant glorious Self-Impregnation (one of the 7 Sacred Mysteries*)
filled Perplexus with offspring.

After a cigarette and periods of gestation elation alternating with guilt
Perplexus laid 3 magic eggs and thereupon immediately
Invented the omelet…and it was good!

Following breakfast, He/She
Laid 3 more magic eggs that eventually brought forth
The 3 fat sisters: Gigunda, Rotunda and Humonga
to help around the house. (At this point there were no houses,
but the Omnipotent Great One planned ahead.)

Within moments, the sisters grew up (and out) to massive dimensions.
Perplexus charged them with creating all further contents of his realm,
figuring they needed the exercise.

Gigunda also discovered Self-Impregnation and begat a son, Lloyd the Little.
The 3 fat sisters and Lloyd commenced to intelligently design every detail of
the Magnificent-Majestic-Wonder-World.

Gigunda made the land, sea and air and then the clouds, the rain and the mountains.
Rotunda brought forth many creatures, abundant vegetation and, of course,
the Vegi-matic. Humonga populated the land with somewhat intelligent creatures
made in her own image. (Mostly fat, but some more like Lloyd the Little.)

“Just a few more things” said Rotunda as she created cities, malls and game shows.
Humonga followed with automobiles, which begat the Drive-Thru Concept, which begat
fast-food, which begat indigestion. Lloyd insisted on adding computer games, cage fighting and Monster Trucks.

Gazing out over His/Her vast expanse of stuff, Perplexus declared
“Mission Accomplished” and summoned his cherished grandson, Lloyd the Little.

“Lloyd”, he said. “You will go down there and live among them, performing occasional miracles to keep my poll numbers high. Later we will compose the official list of rules
for our subjects”

And then they took a nap.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

To this day, Confusionists believe that the rumbling after a lightning strike is the sound of the 3 fat sisters walking around upstairs in the penthouse apartment – presumably awakened by the flashing lights.

*The 7 Sacred Mysteries
1. From whence did the First Light come?
2. From whom did the Sacred Voice come?
3. What’s for lunch?
4. Self-Impregnation (How do you do that?)
5. Is there an Afterlunch?
6. Why does Lloyd have two L’s anyway?
7. Who?…. But-a-who?…..Who wrote the Book of Lunch?

The Five Commandments
After napping, Perplexus convened a brainstorming session with all five members of the Holy family to compose the Five Commandments. The original idea was to have every person wear a single white glove with one commandment stitched on each finger. Then it was decided to just require that the commandments be memorized for use in a daily recitation of praise. Lloyd the Little was assigned the task of transcribing and delivering them.

Pictured below is the actual ancient tablet with the Five Commandments etched upon it.
Multiverse
The Five Commandments (translated to English)
1. Worship the “Great One”
2. Follow orders carefully and cheerfully
3. Always attend the “Meet Your Maker” fundraiser
4. Do not question authority
5. Bend over and wait for further instructions

This is the light that most devout Confusionists have seen:

# # #

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